July 30, 2008

junk in the trunk

222 hours.

I am pulling my hair out, which might be a good thing as I have already paid a hairdresser $35 for practice wedding hair - once to make me look like Shirley Temple and once like Carol Brady, only more "mullety". Either option is not good, so bald may be the answer I'm looking for. Works for my friend, Mr. Nagel. Suggestions anyone?

My house is a wreck. Every single minute of every day for the rest of this week is booked. My office looks like a hurricane in a florist shop. My cell phone battery is losing its "umph" and is starting to die on me halfway through my days. I have the same 3 Netflix movies I have had since April. I don't think we have been home one single night all summer, to which my husband will attest!

Sushi is wonderful, but birthday sushi is especially wonderful. We celebrated with the Darling's last night and laughed a bit. After Sushi we hit Sam's (isn't that where all significant birthday celebrations conclude?) and as we were leaving with the cart full of paper towels, dog food, etc., and heading toward Miss Donna, the very efficient "check your receipt" lady at the exit door, I told Kevin to go ahead to the car and see if there was junk in my trunk. No sooner had I spoken the phrase than I regretted this badly chosen, howevermuch appropriate, wording. The guys laughed entirely too much.

My daughter is sending me soft porn hoping I will purchase something suitably sexy, not slutty for her personal shower from the examples she is sending via email. Sort of a "What to Wear, What Not to Wear" kind of thing!

Oh, and one more thing. I cooked dinner one night last week at the Darling's house. There were 2 leftover strips of steak I didn't use, so I stuck them, still rare, in a baggie in their fridge. SEVERAL nights ago I grabbed them out of their fridge to take home to cook for the cowboy. I folded the baggie over and stuck the rare meat in my purse. And forgot about it. I found it today.

I love my life.

July 24, 2008

genghis khan and the red purse

Today I blog about Philip. I think Sara should blog the following stories, as Philip belongs to her, but she says I will tell it better. Oh, the pressure . . .

So, a few Sundays ago after worship was over, Philip needed something in the office. I was in the back of the worship center visiting with friends when he found me and asked for my office keys.

"They're in my purse up on the 3rd or 4th row," I resonded, "it's a red purse. Just dig through it 'til you find them."

Philip queried, "You don't mind me going through your purse?"

"Not at all!" I replied.

Now, if you know me at all, you know I'm not a really private person, at least not about most things.

Sandy, on the other hand, is.

So you can imagine her feelings of personal violation (apparently rendering her speechless) as she stood nearby and watched Philip pick up HER purse and pillage through it like Genghis Khan and the Mongol hordes ransacking the Great Wall of China (Metaphorically, I suppose Genghis wanted "the keys" to China, so I think the analogy works.) Needless to say, they were both embarrassed. I have since bought a green purse.

A week or so after the purse incident, Philip was leading worship. At the intro, he said, "Before we begin, let's sing Happy Birthday to someone really special," and he instantly began to lead as the crowd joined him.
"Happy Birthday to You"
"Happy Birthday to You"
"Happy Birthday Dear . . . "
And just as people are realizing they don't know whose name to insert here, Philip, standing grandly at the podium, raises both his arms and points to himself as he continues,
"Happy Birthday to ME"
"Happy Birthday to Me!"
It was hysterical. But maybe you had to be there.
Either way, I think everyone who knows him would agree that Philip really is someone special!

July 23, 2008

to be or not to be

The heightened sense of enthusiasm before a new school year is always fun. Lesson plans. Expectations. Lofty goals. The excitement of things to be learned and things to be taught. This year Kevin has quite a schedule. Together, he & I are doing Spanish 2, and Joshua/Judges for Bible. ReighAnne is teaching his chemistry and his Algebra 2/Geometry (in exchange for my teaching her 4th grader reading, spelling, grammar, vocabulary and critical thinking); for the co-op portion, Kelly is teaching a college writing course, Sandy has government, Marcia economics, and I have literature. This year's reading list is: And Then There Were None (because co-cop starts before the wedding is over and I need an easy-read at the beginning!); The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; The Picture of Dorian Gray; Lord of the Flies; The Old Man & the Sea; The Great Gatsby (which we complete just in time for the Jazz Program at the Carson Center); Brave New World; Hamlet; and Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead. We're taking a "Human Nature in Literature" approach to this year's curriculum and I think it will be fun.

Now, the big question is: How do I give grades to six students based mainly on in-class participation?

July 18, 2008

Double O What?

So I texted Kacey yesterday and told her I needed a superhero idea, complete with costume.

She replied, "For Mystery Night?"

I responded with something that implied it might be put to use in some kinky fashion where her father was concerned. To which she replied, "AWKWARD!"

Once she started talking to me again, she gave me these ideas:

"You could be the Bubble Boy and blow bubbles at your enemies"

"Be the Coughing Queen. You cough up clues and attack your enemies with cough syrup."

So I suggested Grammar Girl - I correct your English and diagram sentences. She added, "Then you could make Kevin the Conjunction Munchkin." (But Kevin already has his Superpower and costume, so that won't work.)

Then I decided I liked "The Conjunctionator" - My superpower is that I connect sentences, and all I say all night is "SO?" "AND?" "OR?". She said, "That's no good. You think it's amusing, but the kids won't think it's that funny. You need something sillier. If you want to be the GrammarNazi and dress up like Hitler and carry around diagrams . . . THAT's funny. All your military awards could be punctuation marks and you could tell people your mustache is a dash."

I told her she was freakin' hilarious.

Next she suggested,
"You could be the Bunny Hopper. You solve all the world's problems with a silly dance."

"The Juicer. Walk around calling everybody 'Lemonhead' and squeeze them for information. You could put one of those fruit things on your head."

"Be the Weggie Meister and walk around giving everybody weggies."

Then I suggested the Purpler . . . sneak around trying to hold everybody's hand. (It's a Camp Barnabas thing. Boys are blue. Girls are pink. The two should never make purple at camp!)

She said, "Be The Connector and give all your clues in connect-the-dots."

I told her she used to be freakin' hilarious.

"Okay, you could be The Pea Shooter with obvious implications."

"You could be Alpha Bravo and spell everything you say. When they ask what your real name is, tell them 'double O - the letter, not the number."

Okay, she's hilarious again.

"Be The Tangler and go around messing up everybody's hair. You can vanquish your enemies with aerosol hairspray."

"Be The Pickler and carry around a bottle of vinegar."

"Be a Musketeer and spray everybody with musk."

My personal favorite superhero is The Invisible Boy from Mystery Men - he's only invisible when no one else is looking . . .

July 15, 2008

It's time for the happy pills

I'm losing it. Seriously. I'm loopy from stress. I'm likely to cry for no reason, and I'm unable to process anything unrelated to the matrimonial event. Driving has become a near disaster. I'm turning the wrong way onto one-way streets, backing up without looking (and almost running over a cyclist), texting while driving (yep!), and turning north to St. Louis when I should have been going west. (You'd think the setting sun in my left window would have been an indication of a navigational error on my part, but again, I'm loopy.) If I hadn't been through this once before after the death of my sister, I'd be really worried, but I know it will pass. And SOON - 23 pre-wedding days to go.

I made the mistake of glancing over the "wedding checkbook" a few days ago and that did not help the stress level. And most of the BIG things still have to be paid for - photography, caterer, and rental items.

The guest list has climbed to 174 as of today, and I feel we will see several more in the mail before the week's end. At 8 people per table and a venue that will hold maybe 24 tables . . . well, you do the math. If you are helping with the wedding in any capacity, all I can say is . . . you better wear comfortable shoes 'cause it's gonna be a long night of standing! :o)

As for me, I've decided to go barefoot. That decision was reached after we shoe-and-jewelry shopped for 12 hours last weekend, and I came home empty-handed because I am apparently insane. (Reference paragraph #1) I think my Skechers flip-flops and a really good pedicure will be just fine . . .

I can assure you of two things: the bride is BEAUTIFUL, and the food is going to be amazing! Key Lime/Dark chocolate mini-cakes, cheesecake tarts, pistachio cream cupcakes, mint brownie bites, decadence biscotti, key lime cookies, truffles, mango/coconut patties, and 3 chocolate fountains (dark, milk & white) surrounded by fruit. And, hopefully, the wedding will be different enough to be memorable . . . including an explosive grand finale! I love being a non-traditionalist.

It's 4:15, so I'm off to the mall to shoe shop on my own. If you should find me wandering in circles muttering to myself, please call the men in the little white uniforms.