who am I?

I'm complicated, and not so much. I love people, I'm nervous being in groups of new people. I have the best friends in the world, almost all of them in their 20's and 30's. They teach me to look at life through very different lenses. I am not at all artistic, but I am creative. I'm right-handed, but very middle-brained. I'm great with words, but stink at puzzles. I'm a control freak, I talk too much, and I have to be careful not to interrupt. I like to strike up conversations with people I don't know while waiting in line. I like being challenged. I like to read books I don't think I will agree with. I almost never get angry. I never yell - okay, once in 1998. I love mothering. I have the BEST relationship with my kids, and though they are practically grown, I don't feel that my job as a mom is finished. I love hanging out with teenagers. I love that they text and facebook and talk to me about important things and stupid things. I really wish I'd had more children. My heart breaks for kids who aren't loved. I have great parents and I'm a very even balance of both of them. I married my polar opposite. I love my job and the team I am blessed to be part of. I love our weird and broken church. I dislike dealing with money. If I never had to pay a bill or balance an account or plan a budget, it would be alrighty, okie dokie with me. I don't like to spend money on myself. Okay, on clothes maybe. I like to give money away. It seems like the right thing to do with money I get paid from a job I love so much I would do it for free anyway. I don't care about vehicles even a little bit. I bite my cuticles when I'm nervous or bored. I love all weather except HOT. I actually enjoy cooking, it's the "figuring out what to fix" part I dislke. I have no patience for people who play the "poor pitiful me" role over stupid things. I panic, I'm talking cold sweats and dying a little inside, everytime I get put on the spot . . . I need time to prepare. I like to drive. I used to play the piano.  I love to learn new music.  I love to quiz Kevin on music trivia. I love when he quizzes me right back or sticks his headphones on my ears and says, "Hey, I think you'll like this". I'm addicted to my iPod. I love to communicate in most every way - except by phone. I'm a notorious multi-tasker. I love to plan and organize, but I'm not always good at the follow-through. I'm always punctual. I'm not a collector of things, but I highly value friendships and memories. I detest clutter.  I procrastinate jobs that can't be done in one sitting. I can't make a decision to save my life for fear that it will be the wrong one and I will have to live with it - for a long time. I love movies, but not so much watching them by myself. Wearing glasses makes me feel claustrophobic, but I am progressively needing them more and more. I'd rather pay for something I don't want or didn't get than deal with customer service. I overtip bad waiters/waitresses because I figure they must be having a lousy day and need the encouragement. I neglect taking care of myself because I just haven't thought it was that important. I hate to cry. I cry at everything. Except when I was on progesterone which made me not feel emotion at all. Ever. About anything. Decided crying wasn't nearly so bad as not feeling. I'm always the last person to leave, as I don't want to be left out of anything. I HATE surprises. I'm not nearly as good a person on the inside as I want to be. I'm grateful for the friends in my life who make that "inner me" want to be more authentic. I love color. And the smell of hazelnut coffee. And sushi. I like basketball and hockey. I never go to bed with a dirty kitchen. I enjoy folding laundry. I dislike yardwork. I like baths, not showers - including baby and wedding showers. I like history and literature - especially children's books. Childbirth, when done right, is fascinating and empowering. I am a birth doula with a lot of experience under my metaphorical belt.  I love to write. I hate not knowing what to write about. When I have to shop, I prefer to do it online. I want to pinch the heads off of disrespectful kids and the parents who allow them to be disrespectful. I hate judgmental attitudes. Although in saying that, it kind of makes me judgmental. I'm a klutz and a bit of a nerd. I used to avoid issues, not so much now. I'm a night owl who also happens to wake up early. I intentionally try every day to make somebody's life a little better. I'm very affectionate. I'm funny. I use sarcasm like salt. I'm trying to use it more like, say, paprika: occasionally, and only when appropriate. I'm also quick to compliment. I am not happy with myself at all, but I do like myself. I like to think I'm a realistic optimist. Or maybe an optimistic realist. I used to believe everything was black and white. Now, I see everything in shades of gray. Which, for someone who likes color, is very disorienting. I used to think life was about getting through it successfully by doing as few bad things as possible. How ridiculously STUPID is that? Now I understand life is my opportunity to love those around me, not because I have to, but because I want to. Because God loves me and I love Him right back. Because He knows every detail, every thought, every flaw, every single fall - accidental and intentional. He sees me for who I am and, though it doesn't make a bit of sense to me, He is crazy in love with me and thinks I'm something special. I believe that with all my heart, even when I don't always act like it. That's who I am.