August 16, 2012

my best day ever


The following story is true and is intended for mature audiences only.   This blog contains:  unspoken language, mild peril, sexual innuendos, processed food,  and swashbuckling action - not necessarily in that order.  Do not attempt to try any of this at home without the oversight of a professional.  This blog was manufactured in a facility that uses tree nuts and soy.  Oh, and multiple mice were harmed during the making of this production.  That's all.  Sit back and enjoy.

My name is Stephanie.  I'm wearing wedges.  The blog you are about to read is overdramatized.  The names were changed to protect the innocent, but since there were no innocents, I changed all the names back. 

The story started back in March when I decided to fully embrace REAL food.  No more processed junk,  no more bleached white flour, no more high-fructose corn syrup, no more artificial sweeteners, NO MORE FAST FOOD, and no wire hangers.  EVER!   

Some time later, several of my friends organized an organic food delivery, which for now, would have to be picked up once a month, 60 miles from where we are.  Sara set us up as a 'satellite group' and she is our contact person for the company.  If there are issues, they will coordinate with her.  The rest of us simply have to make the 2-hour round trip when our turn rolls around. 

Last month it was my turn.   I was to meet the Covenant truck on Monday afternoon at the designated truck stop.

Since this was my maiden voyage, I left early to avoid any complications.   I arrived 45 minutes before the driver was scheduled to be there, drove around the truck stop, but seeing no sign that he and his Covenant semi had also arrived early, I parked and waited.

And waited. 
 
 
And waited.

The driver was now a half hour late.  At 4:00 I texted Sara to be CERTAIN I am in the right location (a moderate-sized truck stop), and to verify I am looking for a semi with 'Covenant' on the side.  She does not return my text.   I drove through the truck stop again, just to be sure I was not missing something.

At 45-minutes past time, I CALLED Sara.  She did not answer my call.  This is NOT normal.  I drove around the truck stop another time, again just to be sure.  My stomach was starting to growl, but the only food off this exit is a McDonald's and, as I said earlier, fast food is NOT on my Real Food Agenda.  

At an hour late, I called Randi (she had picked up last month), and she verified the semi does, indeed, say Covenant on the side, and added the fact there will likely be 2 people in the truck.   A few minutes later she called back with phone numbers.  So I called the organic grocery company, who gave me the number to the trucking warehouse, who gave me the truck driver's number, who chased the cat, who killed the rat, who ate the cheese...  who didn't answer his phone.

Another quarter-of-an-hour later, the driver called back to say he'd had a breakdown (I assume he meant mechanical and not emotional).  He had left a message with Sara earlier in the day, but she hadn't responded.  He apologized, but said he wouldn't arrive for another 2 hours. 

I was supposed to have dinner with my kids, as they were passing through town that night.  I phoned them to say "that ain't happenin," as I won't be back to the house before at least 8:30. 

I then called Mike to see if Sara is alive.  She is.  Her phone, however, is not.  Seems their toddler had been curious to see just how much toilet water an iPhone could displace.    

Now all the girls are texting and calling and wanting to know what time they can expect their healthy goodies, and I'm scrambling to return their texts, and all the while I'm stuck at this truck stop exit for another two hours waiting on my organic avacados and steel-cut oats and sweet potato crackers, which I should happily be snacking on at this point instead of listening to my tummy rumble.

Okay, I know you're starting to get bored with the story, but not as bored as I was... hang in there, it's about to get good.

Since I have time to kill, I look around for something - ANYTHING - to do besides languish in the van another 120 minutes, sweating and grumbling.  It's 104 degrees in the shade - and there IS no shade - the only things that ARE here are the truck stop, an interstate, a McDonald's and a large tacky touristy gift shop.   I don't need diesel, I'm not eating fast food, so "Eenie, meenie, miney... tacky gift shop!"

I spent an hour taking pictures of gaudy gadgets and sending them to my daughter:"Things I am buying for your house."   I was especially fond of the 4-ft-tall-Mystic-Fairy-statue.  This amused her somewhat and kept me entertained for a bit.

After strolling past the ceramics and do-dads and knick-knacks and bric-a-brack and CRAP that nobody should ever spend money on, I perused the candy aisle.  Mmmmm.... gummy worms and orange marshmallows.  I was starving now, as it was 6 p.m. and I hadn't eaten since my 11:30 bowl of field greens. 

So, while I waited on my organic fruits and veggies and whole grains to arrive... I drove through McDonald's for some pink slime  and a cup of sodium phosphate.   Yeah, okay, it was delicious.
 
At least I was less grouchy now, and since it was nearly truck-arrival-time, I returned to the truck stop just in time to see a Covenant Transport truck - with two men in the cab - pull into the line of semis in the back.  I drove in front of them and waved (as they would be expecting me).  They didn't acknowledge me with anything other than quizzical looks.  I had a hesitant feeling, as they didn't look like truck drivers so much as vagrants in a police line-up, so I pulled back around to the front to wait some more. 

After a couple of minutes, my brain started to reason with me.  "Steph, you've been here HOURS longer than you were supposed to.  You have missed dinner with your kids.  You are tired and hot and bored and there is a Covenant Truck parked back there, likely with your boxes in it!  Go back there and ask!"

Bravely I got out of my car and walked over to the cab of the Covenant Transport truck.  There was now only one man in there.  He was wearing a gold necklace and a sweaty black tank top (I'm assuming to coordinate with his sweaty black hair) and holding a brown glass bottle.  He lowered the window and looked down at me.  I called up something like, "I'm here for my Azure pick up?"  But because there are dozens of trucks lined up here, and it was very loud, and because I got so hot sitting in the van that I took off the camisole under my shirt that WAS keeping the girls tucked in, I'm pretty sure he heard something like, "I'm here to ensure a pick up". 

Naturally, he invited me up for a beer. 

And that's the story of how I was mistaken for a truck stop hooker.

The end.
 

6 comments:

NinjaPrincess said...

Ahahahaha! That was NOT how I expected that story to end :)

Stephanie said...

YAY!!! I love a good surprise ending! :)

Ashley said...

Awesome!

Sara said...

This is genius. I've read it twice now and shared it with Philip- and all this in media month. :) Your writing makes me very happy.

Gianna Rae said...

Abrupt and AWESOME! That was a great story! I enjoyed it immensely!

BulBulay said...

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