November 08, 2007

unwritten rule of the first child

I always got to be first. That's the unwritten rule of the first child. The first to walk and talk. The first to go to school. The first to drive. To date. To marry. To have children. My slightly younger sister, Stacey, was second at all these things. Even with our second pregnancies, both boys due within a week of each other - Kevin decided to arrive 4 weeks early, thus ensuring me the first boy as well. She was always throwing this up in face. "You OWE me!" she'd laugh.

A few years back, she got to be first. I've never been happy about this one on any level. Little sisters aren't supposed to go first . . . especially when it entails funerals and cemetary markers. And no matter how much time passes, I hurt for my niece and nephew who really have no idea how wonderful their mom was. I hurt for my parents who have to walk by her bedroom and drive by her gravesite every day. I hurt for me because I still miss her so much. Weeping is an understatement of the occurrence going on at my desk as I type this through blurry eyes.

My consolation is this. She got to be first . . . to see God. (You know, I always kind of thought that "Jesus wept" verse was more Jesus crying, not so much because of the hurt and mourning going on around him, but because he knew where he was bringing Lazarus back from.) I certainly don't have a grasp on what heaven is like, but I like to think Stacey mothers on every baby who didn't make it long in this life. I like to imagine her talking to Sarah about what it was like to be pregnant at 90. I like to think she has conversations with Peter and John and Esther and Job. That's extremely cool. And the joy that I KNOW I will be with her again makes days like today endurable. Stacey Leigh, I love you . . . Happy Birthday.


Kacey Leigh said...

Happy birthday Stacey!!! Love you and miss you...

Love ya mom.

Sandy said...

Kacey has Stacey's eyes. As long ago as it's been and even though I didn't know you when it happened, I am still sorry for your loss. I love your family.

Sara said...

I have tears in my eyes and chills as I sit and read such a neat tribute. It's neat to hear you share stories about Stacey and how close the two of you were. I can only hope for that kind of relationship between my own kids someday.

Thanks for sharing this today. I love you!

janjanmom said...

I guess we are all reading this with teary eyes. I am so happy you talk about her often and share her stories. I am also happy that we have Christ and that means hope to all of us for a happy reunion one day.

Also-you do get to see her twin alot!!

Love you, thanks for sharing.

Kacey Leigh said...

Is Janice referring to me as Stacey's twin?

Very cool.

If not, I feel like a dummy.

COffee is not a time waster. It is a time saver, because it provides me with energy boosts and helps me put my time to better use. My roomies would have guessed napping...I come back and sleep between all of my classes.


Lesli said...

I love you & am sorry for your pain. I'm glad you had such an amazing sister to remember. I love hearing your stories.

thruchildeyes said...

Okay, we're both in tears, too. We love you!

Lindsay Jordan said...

i kno she would be taking care of those babies in heaven cause she loved children and she was a great momma. i miss her everyday! Thank you stephie for keeping her memory alive. Sometime I feel like no one remembers her. I don't even remember the last time dad went to her grave with me. Love you stephie.

Susan said...

You write so beautifully some of the same emotions I feel for the loss of my brother. Thank you for being able to put it into words and sharing it with us. It IS up to us to keep their memory alive for their children,

Thank you,