green is the new dead

When I annoy or embarrass my kids (which, I assure you, only happens on the 5th Tuesday of each month), they have always enjoyed verbally fantasizing about the evil things they will do to me later in life. They taunt, "Just wait until you're old and I'm the one pushing your wheelchair!" or "Be nice to me! One of these days I'll be picking out your nursing home!"

I have to admit, I raised these kids, I know what they are capable of, and I'm more than a little scared.

So, since I'm concerned about the quality of my future in the hands of my loved ones, I decided to do some serious research. I did some web searching, worked up a good family medical history, then turned to the most accurate source I could find:

Facebook.

I took the tried and true quiz, "When Will You Die?" and answered some very technical health questions like:
"What is your favorite color?" (GREEN)
"What is your shoe size?" (7 1/2 - 8)
"On a sinking ship, who would you rescue first?" (Leonardo, because I always thought it was tacky that Rose let him freeze to death in the cold water rather than sharing her plank.)
and
"What Jonas Brothers song makes you cry?" ("I Gotta Find You". Duh.)

The result was not at all surprising.
Apparently, according to this AMA-authorized quiz, I am already dead, so I guess that spares me from the kids' revenge.

On the other hand . . . isn't the best revenge to live well? And live LONG? So, I'm pretty sure (despite my pasty reflection in the mirror this morning) that "I'm not dead yet!", so I retook the test and decided it was time to choose a new favorite color. Now that I'm "turquoise" instead of "green" I get to live until 2061, giving the kiddos plenty of time to enjoy their mother's twilight years. Whew, that's a relief!

The Facebook quiz was so accurate, and so well-done, I decided to take a few more. You'll be fascinated to know that:

My Ghetto, Redneck, Mafia and Hippie Nicknames are:
Pookie
Rhonda Sue
Twinkle Toes
and
Birkenstock Blue Sky

My Super Power is Shape-Shifting (which is really just a nice way of saying I can't make up my mind), my aura is yellow, and apparently, according to the "What Are You Worth?" quiz, I am valued at a grand total of $6.21. Some days that feels about right.

Then I took the "What color are you?" quiz. Turns out I'm "green" after all, taking me back to the "When Will You Die?" quiz.

So, if I am, in fact, already dead, will somebody notify my family and let them know I will not be cleaning house this week?