May 20, 2010

beetlemania


Dear Volkswagen,

Your new ad campaign is brilliant. Brilliant, I say. You clarified and expanded the rules of "Slug Bug", and my teenage son is all over it. As his mother, I cannot tell you the joy it brings me to see him look up from his iPod and get a glimpse of the real world. Sure, the new Rules of the Game have drawn complaints from old-school players who insist the original Beetle is the only allowable vehicle in the classic "Punch Buggy" game, but I'm convinced these scoffers are the same people still using land lines and tucking in their t-shirts.

Your ingenious VW marketing team, however, realized the benefits of Changing the Rules of Slug Bug to include your entire line of products. (Which explains ditching the "Slug Bug, NO SLUG BACK!" phrase for simply calling out the color - "Yellow One!") So while I don't know an SUV from an S-250 or a Passat from a Prelude, my son can effortlessly distinguish a 1979 Trans-Am from a Z-28 at 300 yards away, thus giving him a serious automotive advantage . . . and me a bruised right arm.

You also, apparently, clarified the penalty of "two for lying" for falsifying a VW sighting. My son, being a rule-follower, hasn't been this excited about playing a family game since "Hide & Seek" when he was seven and we forgot to seek him. Anyway . . . I learned about "two for lying" the hard way, after hearing my son yell "red one!" (punch mom), "blue one!" (punch mom), "gray one!" (punch mom), and thinking it would be cute for me to yell "invisible one!" (PENALTY! Punch mom x 2). Hmmm . . . not so cute after all.

I would like to note that nowhere in your advertising does it state, or even insinuate, that all parties must be awake during game-play. So one day, in the very near future, I will put in my favorite Michael Buble' cd, and when my son inevitably falls asleep, I will to drive to the nearest VW dealership and wake him appropriately.

The most brilliant aspect to your new marketing campaign comes into play as my carefree passenger-son pivots his neck like an owl at a Disney World Circle-Vision theater successfully "I Spying" all manner of VW products while I, the usually-responsible parent and driver, abandon safe driving practices to visually search for Skittles-colored compact cars. This reckless behavior is bound to result in my need for a new vehicle in the very near future, and when it does, your entire line of Volkswagen makes and models will already be fresh in my mind. Brilliant.

Sincerely,
An already-disgruntled future customer

4 comments:

*Lindsay*Jordan* said...

bahaha!!! You are hilarious....

Sara said...

You are so funny! I love reading your posts.

Kacey Leigh said...

The color of the car should correlate with the amount of injury you are allowed to inflict on your opponent.

For example: If said vehicle is in the reddish/pink category, the player is allowed to inflict only a mild amount of pain on his/her opponent. Thus, allowing the skin to turn a similar color to the vehicle.

If said vehicle is in the silver/black/brown/yellow realm, the player then proceeds to inflict a large bruise on his/her opponent's arm.

Should the vehicle in play be in the blue/green/purple region, the player must inflict massive amounts of pain, in order to maximize the discoloration of the bruise. In fact, repeatedly punching an old "neutral colored" bruise might be the most effective way to achieve the desired color.

Should the Volkswagen fall into any other color category, the player is allowed to be creative. He/she might have to pull out the sharpie markers and draw a design that resembles a bruise of the appropriate color.

This game should not be played if you are under the age of 12, are pregnant or nursing, have a history of high blood pressure or clotting disorders, are color blind, or suffer from RFS (Restless Flinching Syndrome). Be sure to talk to your doctor before beginning this game, as over-play may result in any of the preceding disorders. Do not play while operating heavy machinery. Do not drive until you know how this game affects you. Prolonged play of this game may result in continual discoloration of the skin, which may or may not be reversible. If you are extremely fair skinned, be sure to carry around a long-sleeved shirt or a light jacket with you at all times. This can help you avoid strange looks, and help to minimize the appearance of lines and wrinkles and the embarrassment that comes along with being really, really terrible at our game.

Happy playing!

E.T.'s Mom said...

Steph, you're too funny! Did you really forget to seek your son?

Kacey, this is cruel, but hilarious. Remind me never to ride in a car with you (or any other members of your family for that matter).