July 14, 2010
the name game
I am going to be a GRANDMOTHER. I do not know how this happened. Okay, technically, I know HOW this happened, but I don’t know what happened. To my life, that is. Where’d it go? I’m not ready for this. I’m NOT old enough for this. (I’m 46. Shut up.)
The thing I am most “not ready” for is The Name Change. I like my name. Stephanie. Steph to those who get close. I like my identity. Mom. Mommy even still on occasion to both my grown and nearly-grown children. I like it. I’m a natural at the mom thing. It fits me. But this "G" word thing . . . well, not so much. Okay, not at all. It SOUNDS old. It FEELS old. And I have to LIVE with this stupid new name for the rest of my natural-born life (which may be spent in the state pen for strangling my son with his own tongue if he jokingly refers to me as “MeMaw” one more time.)
I am so not kidding.
I have now been on a 6-month mental quest attempting to ascertain an appropriate alias, and I have been astronomically unsuccessful. But, as Thomas Edison might have said, “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 names that won’t work.” At least, not for me.
As far as I’m concerned, if you're gonna call me any variation of the "G" word, just go ahead and build a pine box, put me in a powder blue polyester dress and pull my hair back in a bun. That's all she wrote. It's over and done. The fat lady has sung.
See, the only REALLY cool grandmother name is GiGi, and Vicki beat me to it (Vicki is the other grandmother, and truly one very cool woman.) So I’m going to have to find my own cool, or at least creative, name.
Not TOO creative, mind you. In my quest, I have run across far too many like Granny Grunt, Big Momma, Gunkie, Cookie, Sugar, Cupcake, Cherry, Peaches, Sweetums, Cracker, Chicken Nana and Butter Butt. Seriously.
Right off the bat, I eliminate Nana (my mom, Nancy), Granny, Grandmama, Grandma, Mom G, Momma M, and Ma-Ma as those have been in use within the family already.
I can also eliminate GrandMother and GrandMaMa as I have never owned, nor ever plan to own, any Victorian furniture.
MaMaw, MeMaw and GeeMaw all sound like HeeHaw.
I thought there might be potential within the barrage of international names:
Oma (German) - but my great-grandmother’s name WAS Oma, so that doesn’t work.
Ya-Ya (Greek) - but there’s the whole Sisterhood of Divine Secrets thing.
Lola (Philippino) - but, you know, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to THERE. And I don’t Merengue or do the ChaCha, so . . .
And the Yiddish one: Bube.
Speaking of boobies (Did I REALLY just use the word “boobies” in my blog?), my husband thinks I should be Chi-Chi, which, in Spanish, is apparently a slang term for breasts. Frankly, as one who always has cleavage issues, even when wearing turtlenecks, I really don’t feel that my grandmother name needs to further the focus.
I've also heard DeeDee as a grandmother name, but again, with "DD" we could be adequately referring to my bra size, so that one’s off the table as well.
I like M.O.M., as in "Mother Of the Mom", or, perhaps, "Mom, the Sequel". That's cool and definitely fits with my movie-watching persona.
Other rejected options included:
Gams - I don’t have the legs to pull that one off.
Grammy - like the music award.
Grammar - my kids already call me the "Grammar Nazi", so this one is, at least, appropriate.
GaGa - "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-Roma-ma-ah! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Don’t think this name works!"
I kinda like the concept of Diva or Goddess or Majestic Sweetness, but there’s no way my children would EVER let me get away with those. At least not with a straight face.
Maybe, Bella, which means “beauty” in Italian. Why are YOU laughing??? Clearly that one suits me.
One of our 3-year-olds at church always greets me with “Hello, Gorgeous!” I kinda like THAT.
It's also been suggested I simply be "Hot Granny". And, you know, who am I to argue? But "Hot Granny" has got to be the ultimate oxymoron.
Frankly, I just like "Stephie". It's the name my niece and nephew have always called me, and they were the ONLY ones allowed to call me that (at least until Sara M's lovely children came onto the scene.) My son-in-law fears this will sound disrespectful, and I guess I can see his point.
So, as Kacey and I were driving around discussing my dilemma, she simply stated that my grandmother name be cute and cool, but be something that's NOT my name.
After analyzing all the applicable autonyms, I've decided on a grandmother name. It's cute and cool and NOT my name.