February 29, 2012

my life as a newspaper, the leap day edition

Stephanie's BRILLIANT 17-month-old granddaughter, Mayah, recognizes her letters, oh yes she does. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom gets the credit.

Stephanie's AMAZING son, Kevin, is playing Ultimate Frisbee for Harding University and they are the number one ranked team in the nation (really)!

In playing this so-called sport earlier in the season, Kevin's cranium collided with the ground, rendering him concussed. When consulting with the E.R. physician, Kevin asked, "
What should I do?" The doc replied, "Next time, don't land on your head."

If Stephanie's cowboy husband made movies, they would all be over in approximately 11 minutes... roughly the time the villain makes his first appearance. The bad guy would steal a car/rob a bank/shoot an innocent bystander/roll his eyes at a cop, then BANG, the "good guy" would instantly shoot the bad guy.
Movie over.

In other news, I recently saw both "The Descendants" and "The Artist" at Maiden Alley Cinema. Exceptionally good movies, though I didn't think the "The Artist" was artsy enough to deserve the Best Picture Oscar. Maybe if they added Olivia Newton-John in roller skates and some E.L.O. music...

WHY predictive texting? Are we so lazy that our phones think we can't finish typing entire words??? (My finger is exhausted!) So, I type out the words I want, and my phone changes them into other words. For example, Andy made a NICE play against me the other day in Words with Friends and I tried to say, "Ooohhh, NICE play." What he got instead was, "Popgun, NICE play" as though Popgun is my own little nickname for him. What??? How does OOOHHH become POPGUN??? I'll have to admit, though, sometimes it can be funny ... like when one of my more reserved postpartum clients texted to say, "I'm thinking about pimping."

She quickly sent a second text that read, "PUMPING!!! I'm thinking about PUMPING!!!"

Do you drink Mountain Dew or Orange Crush or Gatorade Ice or ANY soft drink/sports drink that is a bit "cloudy" in appearance? It might interest you to know that clouding agent is called Brominated Vegetable Oil or BVO. It contains bromine, a poisonous chemical whose vapors are both corrosive and toxic. BVO is used in light-sensitive photographic paper, as an additive in gasoline and as an agricultural fumigant. BVO causes numerous health issues including iodine deficiency, cancer, heart disease and kidney disease, to name a few, and has been banned in over 100 countries, just not in the U.S. because they know we'll feed our
kids anything.

Mice. They were preceded in death by other mice. They are survived by many more mice, who had better stay out of my house if they want to remain on the survivor list.

I have an artsy doula client (whom I just love!), but whose extreme right-brainedness makes even creative ME feel like an accountant. When making our last appointment she texted: "Let's meet at the coffee shop sometime before darkish." Darkish? What time is darkish? Is that as the sun is setting, or that half hour after it has set, or the few minutes before total darkness when everyone on the street looks like a silhouette? And even more, how much "BEFORE" darkish is before? Half hour? Ten minutes? I didn't know. To be safe, I showed up an hour and five minutes early and waited in the van. Pretty sure the barristas thought I was casing the joint.

Over the holidays I took one very rare day off from work. My co-worker (who happened to have a badly scraped up nose) texted me, "Great. With my nose, I'm already Rudolph, and now you're gonna be Splitzen."

I have a text on my phone that SHOULD be classified, that simply states:
"I want you to look at his penis". I would put it in context, but that would take all the fun out of it.

COMICS: ('cause I always save the best for last)
As I was driving downtown last Saturday night, I passed by the Catholic Church just as a large crowd was leaving the building. I thought to myself: Mass Exodus.

Then I laughed, 'cause I tickle myself.


Ruth Osborne said...

Hahahhahaa!!! Stephanie... Oh my gosh I miss you. I think you should sell your special newspapers. I would buy!

Sara said...

I love you.

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