July 12, 2011

PipeBusters (episode 2) on the Reality Channel

subtitled: "A water break? Water is for cowards. Water makes you weak." Coach Boone, Remember the Titans

(cue Nintendo music from Mario)
In our last episode, the water had to be meticulously shut off at the water meter in the ground, where hopefully a mama snapping turtle had not claimed it as her nesting ground as has been the case in a previous year. Using only a T-wrench and a stiff clockwise ('righty tighty, lefty loosey'') turn, Kevin left the residence water-free and, hopefully, leak-free for several hours.

At 6 p.m., with Kevin now perilously on the winding highway that crosses the Jack's Fork river in Missouri on his way to camp, both Stephanie and the cowboy return from their respective days' work to the measly gallon of water in the two pitchers. Two measly pitchers. For two adults. One of whom actually DRINKS water. How will they manage??? The claustrophobic cowboy knows he must brave the darkness that is the crawlspace under the house. (This would be a great time to run a local plumber's commercial, alas, it is not commercial time yet.)

Removing the vent cover on the back side of the house, the cowboy-turned-amateur-plumber-because-heaven-forbid-we-pay-someone-to-do-a-job-today-that-he-can-do-himself-for-free-not-counting-supplies-over-a-period-of-several-days 'army crawls' into the damp darkness. Once he is securely wedged under the center of the house, he begins to bang and groan and saw. Stephanie chooses this moment to share important information with him by yelling through the floor in the kitchen. "GREGORY. You ARE aware that we have a skunk under the house again, aren't you???" Yeah. Pepe le Pew has been making his presence known for several consecutive evenings, only the cowboy has not been around to witness said smellevents (cue Looney Tunes music). Stephanie felt it was critical to add to his stress at this juncture in the process. From the deep recesses under the floor, we hear the cowboy holler, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" What if the skunk decides to investigate? What would happen if the cowboy got a face full of eau de skunk?


Back under the house, lying in a puddle of mud, stressed about the potential threat of a skunk bombing and attempting to repair the leak, the cowboy seals what he is certain is the culprit. All is quiet in the house. The hissing has ceased. The leak is repaired. Angels begin singing. Then suddenly a whooshing sound and the cowboy's under-the-house-muffled-exclamatory "SON OF A . . .!!!!!!!!!! "


Stop the choir! The rejoicing was woefully premature, and the repair only served to stress the line further toward the front of the house, cause a full-on rupture of the pipe. A full-on rupture. Of the water pipe. Water is now pouring, yea even gushing from the line, flooding the crawlspace with ounces of water per minute. The cowboy exits quickly and determines his work for the night is over. Over. He will not be completing the repair this evening. Not. Be. Completing. The. Repair. Darkness is setting in, the part he needs is inaccessible until Shop-a-Rama opens again tomorrow, and he is fed up and covered with muddy goo. Disgusting muddy goo. He announces: "Shower now. Take up some more water. Then shut it back off. I'll fix it TOMORROW." (cue optimistic song from the musical "Annie"). More water is stored in various kitchen containers. Emergency showers are taken. Legs are not shaved (and this is NOT November! The cowboy is risking serious stubble-burn if he has set his sights on snuggling at bedtime.) Moaning and groaning and moving like a man who is nearly 50, he showers, eats his dinner, and dozes off for the night. Will he get it fixed tomorrow? Will Shop-a-Rama have the needed parts? Will the cowboy be stabbed to death in his sleep by leg hair?

Tune in next time for episode 3 of Pipebusters on the Reality Channel.

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