December 23, 2009

reasons I am too scroogey to put up a tree this year

1. The kids and I put up three Christmas trees each holiday season from 2000 until 2006. This year I decided to put up: None. Not one. My mother's house, on the other hand, is decked out like the Christmas edition of Southern Living. It's beautiful. It's amazing. Every nook and cranny (is that even how you spell "cranny"? and just exactly what IS a "cranny"?) is decorated with trees and garland (the real green stuff, not the cheesy tin-foil looking stuff) and ribbon and swirly twigs and oversized ornaments that spin and white lights and . . . well, so as to not throw the space/time continuum out of whack, it is important for universal harmony that I do absolutely nothing.

2. I don't have room this year. Seriously. The cool desk that is supposed to be in the living room is still in the den where the "tree spot" is because the living room, where the cool desk is supposed to be, is still "under construction" and I am stuck with a ginormous roll-top desk sitting in the middle of the room that hasn't yet found its way to Goodwill, plus there are no curtains in the living room, and because there are no curtains in the living room, this room gets really cold, and since the rolltop desk with the computer is right next to this cold, curtainless window, a space heater is plugged into the outlet where the tree would be plugged in, you know, were there room for it, which, of course, there is not. (inhaling)

3. The kids want to go to Nana's house to spend Christmas Eve/Day, so . . . what's the point in decorating if we aren't going to be HERE on Christmas to enjoy it? Of course, maybe the reason they want to go to Nana's is BECAUSE it is decorated. Oh, the vicious cycle.

4. Most of my loved ones are not Christmassing with me this year. How can you expect me to be in a festive mood when my favorite people are eslewhere? Besides, I doubt any of them put up Christmas trees. And they're the best people I know. So, clearly I'm in good company.

5. It seems that "Santa Baby" is the most overplayed Christmas song now. Good grief. That's enough to make anybody scroogey.

6. The utility room, where the Christmas tree and subsequent boxes of decorations are stored, is blocked by a plethora of surplus wedding pretties that I have procrastinated dealing with since last August. And by "last August" I mean "last year in August". I'm just sayin'.

7. My sweet little friend, Ashley offered to wrap herself in tinsel and lights and come stand in my living room. That seemed to be a fun and non-traditional solution to my treeless dilemma, however, she has not followed through with her offer. Ash, when you were, you know, squeezing seven pounds of newborn out of your body a few months ago, who was THERE FOR YOU? Not to give you a guilt trip or anything, I just think it would be great bonding time for us if you were here right now, looming over me as I type, tastefully decked out in twinkle lights. Of course, you'd have to share an extension cord with the space heater.

8. Not putting up a tree leaves me much more time for holiday baking.

Commence laughter now.

9. I'm walking around in a perpetual state of distraction this year wondering where I misplaced my time machine. Maybe Someday I'll find it. Anyway, Kacey texted this afternoon to ask me what time we're supposed to be at my grandmother's for Christmas Eve tomorrow night, and the only thing I could think to respond was "THAT'S TOMORROW NIGHT???" Seriously, didn't we celebrate Easter just a few weeks ago?

10. I couldn't come up with a #10 reason for being too scroogey to put up a tree this year, so I just called Kevin into the room and asked, "Why didn't we put up a tree this year? Go!" And he said it was because HE didn't want to, HE didn't want to crawl into the death trap we call a utility room to retrieve the boxes, HE didn't want to untangle tree lights, HE didn't want to fluff the tree branches, yada yada. So, apparently, the REAL reason I didn't put up a tree this year was not scroogey at all. I, unlike Scrooge, am giving my slave-boy a break.

God bless us, everyone.

Merry Christmas to all of you. May you spend the day with people you love.


Ashley said...'s not too late. Our "christmas eve" doesn't start til about 5pm in, I can probably be there in about 15 minutes.

:) I love you steph :)

By the way, our tree this year is only like 3 feet tall, but I set it on an end table so it appears taller. PLUS it was prelit and just folds out...I had oranges on it until I ate them all due to a vitamin c deficiency, I had to buy some little orange-like ornaments that I wouldn't eat (because so far, I've never craved glass...yet).

Merry Christmas, I love you!

janjanmom said...

Cranny- derived from the two words crack and fanny.

Therefore when your crannies are decorated...EVERYTHING is decorated.

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve even after the ginormous trays of fruits and veggies I chopped up for this evening's festivities.

I too say it isn't that I feel scroogey...I'm just a little shocked by the stealthiness of Christmas this year.

PS...I heart Santa Baby, really, especially the Eartha Kitt one.

MichaelPolutta said...

New almost-favorite word - "scroogey". Oh, yeah.

E.T.'s Mom said...

I hope you had a very merry Christmas ~ even without the tree.

Anonymous said...

cran·ny (krn)
n. pl. cran·nies
A small opening, as in a wall or rock face; a crevice