June 05, 2010

just deserts

So Daughter-Face tagged us all in her “Desert Blog”. She stated, “The premise of Desert Island is to imagine that you are stranded on an island and you are only allowed to take certain things with you." For example, 5 movies. Now, while some movies lend themselves to viewing on a small screen, others need the whole “theatrical experience” complete with 44-oz drink holder seating. Before I can effectively choose my 5 Island Movies, I need to know: Does the island simply have DVD or is it Blu-Ray friendly? Hi-Def? Surround-sound?

Kacey says she supposes somebody is banishing us there, because if our plane crashed, we probably wouldn't have all our favorite things with us....but like she said, ‘imagine’.”

So, I’ve been imagining. I imagine if I’m being banished, hi-def and surround-sound aren’t likely.

Here is what I decided to pack in my “Exiled to a Desert Island” trunk.

FIVE TECH DEVICES:
> Three 64-gig touch iPods

Ipod #1 will be loaded down with 8,000 individual songs, ranging from Simon & Garfunkel, James Taylor, Elton and the Beach Boys to Jason Mraz, Matt Nathanson and Rob Thomas and about a thousand apps to include my favorite games (Unblock Me, Sudoku, Words with Friends, Scrabble, TaiPei, and Tetris.)
Ipod #2 will hold 20 movies, the favored few being You’ve Got Mail, Monty Python & the Holy Grail, Men in Black, Lake Placid, and America’s Sweethearts - just because they’re all so doggone quotable.
Ipod #3 will be loaded with the entire series of The Gilmore Girls.
>1 Kindle 2
Kindle 2 can apparently hold 1500 volumes, so I can take all my favorites, plus a couple of those books I’ve been planning to read “one of these days”, like, say Mencken’s Chrestomathy. My favorites would include: Jane Eyre, Little Women, Stephen King's "The Stand", Agatha Christie’s ‘And Then There Were None’, Ian Rankin's "Inspector Rebus" books, Tom Bodet’s “The End of the Road”, and Nora Ephron’s “I Feel Bad About My Neck”. The latter two are essential because, if I’m alone on this island, I need real stuff to make me laugh.
>1 Honkin’ Big Solar Battery Recharger, ‘cause, you know, if I’m on a desert island, sunshine should be a plentiful enough resource.


5 HE-MAN TOOLS
I asked Kacey if I could have a “man with skills” accompany me to this remote location, and she said, “Sure, as long as he’s equipped with a pocket knife and a q-tip.” But after checking the Official Packing List for Banishment, it was determined that “men with skills” are not allowed. This makes me very sad . . . for MULTIPLE reasons . . . but mostly because, well, who will kill the desert island bugs??? Anyway, I have determined I will need the following Mulit-Tool:


You will note it is complete with kebab skewar, ax, fishing net, a sewing needle, and a spork. About now, my children are reading this and thinking, “Sewing needle? Does she even know what a needle is for?” Why, yes, I do. And let me tell you, if I’m being sent away for lifetime confinement, I will need hobbies. I think sewing little outfits for all the native wildlife so they can all be dressed like Jimmy Buffet will make the island a happier place, don’t you?

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5 ITEMS OF SUSTENANCE:
>Seed Packets. I know, I know, I don’t garden. But I don’t sew either, and you see how well those Hawaiian shorts turned out on Timmy the Tree Frog. I will need asparagus, corn, potatoes, lettuce (never mind, salad doesn’t really work without a good raspberry vinagrette), chickpeas & red peppers (to make my own hummus), rice and wasabi root (what with the abundance of seaweed and fresh fish, I will need ingredients to make my own sushi.)
> Pretzels. Crunchy dipping accompaniment for my home-grown hummus.
> Low sodium Soy Sauce. For the sushi. Duh.
> Butter
> Sugar
The butter and sugar are for the seafood and island fruits. I mean, why not? I could choose to eat healthy, but do I really want to live longer in solitary confinement? So . . . eat healthy/live long OR eat yummy/die young? You do the math.

5 HYGIENE NECESSITIES:
> Shampoo.

> Hairbrush
> Toothbrush
> Tweezers (For ticks and such. Not because I care at all about that little hair that sprouted on my chin the day I turned 40.)
> Razor - After all, I’ll be on a desert island, not in France.

5 VANITY ITEMS:
> Mascara, waterproof.
> Lipgloss
> Oil of Olay Regenerist Night Cream
> Silver Hoop Earrings (because they go with everything)
> Skinny Jeans

The way I see it is this: If I’m alone on a desert island, I’m not going to be worrying about my appearance, much less clothing. Heck, I hardly wear anything at home now, so I sure don’t think I’m going to be bothered with it on a remote South Pacific island. Although, before I finalize my packing list, I would like to be CERTAIN they are taking me to a tropical DESERT island and not a DESERTED island somewhere near suburbian Reykjavik.

So, if I'm alone on this island, why the vanity items? Well, eventually, I might run out of butter and sugar, and all that gardening and fishing and chasing around the little critters to dress them in my handsewn Margaritaville costumes might reduce my now plus-size status to a nice size 6. So, in the event that I am pardoned, or the dictator who banished me is overthrown, or whatever, I want to look good when they rescue me.

And finally . . .

5 MISCELLANEOUS ACCOUTREMENTS:
>Matches. More than RainMan can count in one drop on the floor
>A journal and a gross of clicky ink pens
>My eyeglasses
>A digital camera to visually document my adventures and accomplishments.
>A wide-mouth canteen. Why wide-mouth? Because, just before my dying breath, I will need something big enough to hold my visual "message in a bottle". See, if I do manage to ever get into the skinny jeans but never get rescued, I want to send the digital camera out into the world with proof.


Oh, and one more miscellaneous item:
A Wilson volleyball. Gotta have somebody to "bounce things" off of.

5 comments:

Sara said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!! Hilarious! Are you for hire to write blogs cause you make every story sound amazing! We could make a good team...I'll take the pictures and you write the words...OK?

Love YOU!

~Stephanie said...

DEAL!!!! I love you, too!

Kacey Leigh said...

What about your gun for polar bear hunting?

What about your 500 thread count sheets to make a tent?

What about a lighter for when the beach washes out and all of your matches get wet?

....You're the one who got all technical. I just thought I'd offer some insights to things you overlooked :)

Also, are you going to make your own chop sticks?????? This I have to see.

OH, and while you're at it, make sure you take a cell phone tower with you so we can still play scrabble on our ipods. :-D

Happy Islanding!

Jessica said...

WOW!! I am absolutely cracking up! You are so funny!! I love it :)

swifterika said...

If im getting stranded on an island your gonna be with me to make my clothes!