August 13, 2010


God is trying to teach me patience and contentment and I have been fighting Him. For a long time. And I have been angry with Him. For a long time. And I have become completely disillusioned with prayer while, ironically, continuing to pray more than I ever have in my life, because I don't know what else to do.

My friend Lynn once said that "anger is simply unmet expectations". The first time I heard her say that, I dismissed it as oversimplified and generalized. A couple of years later, she repeated that phrase, and I kept it with me. Looked at it. Rolled it over in my brain. And came to realize it is unfailingly true. Without exception.

If Anger is Unmet Expectations, then what I've also come to realize over the past few months is: Depression is Anger that Just Doesn't Want to Get Out of Bed.

See, I have let my unmet expectations overwhelm me. I want what I want. I have forgotten that my life is not about me. My BLOG is about me, but my LIFE, not so much. It is in God's hands. I have forgotten to trust that he KNOWS the plans he has for me. Mostly because I have my own plans, and I don't trust that he is paying close attention to the details.

Tonight I have been lying alone, outside in the dark, listening to the crickets and the frogs, and watching God's attention to details in the form of a meteor shower. And I was reminded once again, in the vastness of this universe, in the midst of my unmet expectations, he still loves me, he still promises NEVER to leave me, and he still gives me hope . . .


Kacey Leigh said...

I'm a fan. Life is short. Enjoy what IS good, look forward to what will be even better.

In the mean time, come see your daughter and granddaughter! :-D We love you LOTS!

MichaelPolutta said...

Stephanie, I love you.

NinjaPrincess said...

I have a really hard time when plans change unexpectedly. There was something that was very important to me that was supposed to happen last week. It didn't happen. It took me a while to realize that most of my sadness was from feeling that God was being mean to me. I had to remind myself that His plans are better than mine.

mnpolutta said...

Praying that you will hold onto the promises that God has made to you...and that you will let go of the anger. Love you.