September 18, 2011

how many gingers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One full month without my son in the house. YES, I miss him. He was my minion (Urban Dictionary definition: "one who is inexperienced, but will perform menial tasks; an evil sidekick or servant." Tell me that doesn't describe him perfectly???) We went to movies together, we split the shopping chores in half (you get food, I'll get toiletries), he helped clean house without even being asked, he did icky jobs for me, ran errands (always 'borrowing' the debit card in my purse and 'forgetting' to return it), and he threw at least a dozen "your mom" burns at me every week. So, I have made note of 10 pros and 10 cons of his being gone.


I no longer have my own personal travel D.J. for road trips. Though, I guess, since he uses an iPod adapter, that would make him an I.J. Of course, most of the time narcolepsy boy fell asleep on road trips anyway.

I now have to actually READ instructions myself, and the way my brain works, I might as well read the side printed in Chinese.

I never hear ginger jokes anymore. (Urban Dictionary defines a ginger as: "a human characterized by pale skin, freckles and red hair. Gingers are considered to be inferior and thus deservingly discriminated against. They are thought to have no souls and their only real enemy is the sun.")

While driving, I now have to fish through my purse one-handed to feel for a lipstick. Was SO much easier to say, "Hey Kev, can you find my lipstick?" Of course, since he was usually asleep as mentioned earlier, I'm kinda already used to this one.

The yard has not been mowed in 5 weeks and 3 days. I got lost going to the mailbox yesterday.

It's impossible to divide an 8-piece sushi roll without a fourth sushi-eater.

Grocery shopping takes twice as long.

At work I now have to change laser printer cartridges and copy machine toner. At home I have to dust, windex, clean the bathroom, vacuum, sweep, do the dishes, put away the laundry, put away the groceries, AND take out the trash. I miss my slave son.

If I want a half-cherry half-vanilla diet Coke, easy ice at 3:00 in the afternoon, I have to actually leave work and go get it myself.

There is no deep bass voice sweetly asking, "Mom ... scratch my legs."


There is no deep bass voice sweetly asking, "Mom...scratch my hairy man legs!!!"

The entire box of Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts is mine. MINE!

His bed is always neatly made. Well, except for when I miss him so much I curl up in his bed with his drumsticks and his Mr. Potato Head and his half-used stick of Fiji Old Spice deoderant and have a good cry.

Unlike narcolepsy boy, my imaginary friend never falls asleep on car trips. Then again, my imaginary friend can't find a lipstick in my purse, or create an amazing road trip play list either.

His little Dodge isn't parked in the driveway, so I no longer have to look behind me when I back out. Of course, the big oak tree has a new ding in the bark.

The pillows on my office loveseat stay fluffy and symmetrical as he is no longer taking afterschool naps on them. Plus, nobody at home is complaining about all my pretty new throw pillows!

When I am checking out of a store, I am no longer embarrassed by missing debit cards.

While grocery shopping takes twice as long, it only costs half as much!

If - ON RARE OCCASION - I want, say, a mango martini while out to dinner, I don't have to deal with his "death stare" and Darth-Vader-like voice saying, "Fine. Drink and drive. Kill me. What do I care?"

And finally, since he took his Old Spice deodorant, shampoo and body wash to college with him, the bathroom no longer smells like that guy "on a horse". It does, however, still smell like that OTHER guy on a horse.

Oh, and how many gingers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They can't be exposed to the light.


Sara said...

This is great. We miss that Kevie-poo!

Anonymous said...

Maple tree.