February 07, 2008

not exactly an open book

There's a difference between being close to someone and being open with them. With the exception of 2 or 3 people, I don't think I'm very good at either one. I attribute this to losing my very best friend - twice - the guy I planned to marry (due to bad communication and impatience on my part), and my sister a few years ago in a car wreck. Add to that the fact that we moved a lot when I was a kid. Between kindergarten and high school, I went to 8 different schools. But I never minded that part. Mom and Dad always made moving an adventure.

New houses, new schools, new friends. What this managed to accomplish, personality-wise, is that I make friends easily. Surface friends. Friendly friends. I'm really good with the "meet and greet" stuff. The "Hi, how are ya?" stuff. The talk-to-the-lady-in-front-of-me-in-the-check-out-lane stuff.

What I'm not so good with is the
"Here's Who I Am" stuff. The "Being Real" stuff. The "Sharing a Few Deeper Paragraphs" stuff. I'm quasi-terrified of being perceived as needy - mostly because it contradicts my whole facade of being independent - but also because I don't ever want to be one of those people who are draining.

Besides, doing the whole "Open Book" thing always makes me cry. ALWAYS. And I HATE to cry. Really I do. (My kids will never believe this, they think I actually enjoy crying over kleenex commercials and sappy love songs and roadkill puppies. I don't.)

Anyway . . . It's not really that I'm afraid people won't love me. I'm a pretty accepting person, so I assume most other people are too. It's that I'm afraid I will love them and then they will leave me. That's the part I've never really learned how to deal with.

On the plus side, God knows all my junk and He's not going anywhere.
I find enormous comfort in that.


janjanmom said...

For the record, I've enjoyed the chapters of your thousand chapter self that you have slowly shared with me.

Both of them. ( :

Anonymous said...

Here's my cheesy comment for the day:

People enjoy good books...the kind you want to pick up and read over and over. It's the short stories that don't have much depth or interest that people read once and then put down, because they never forget what they were about. The complex ones that you always discover new things in, and that tell you all the details and leave nothing to the imagination...the stories that intrigue...those are the books that get worn out because people read them over and over...the stories that relate to real life and don't try to make it seem like cheesecake and balloons.

It's not neediness, it's openness. Just because you share things doesn't mean people perceive you as needy...just intriguing. You're like that action-adventure novel that makes every kid wanna go out and be a superhero in their backyard....and I'm your sequal!

Love you woman.

~ Stephanie. said...

sequel (with an E) . . . I may be a book (or am I the short story?), but doggone it, I will be one with no grammatical errors!

I love you too, my little domesticated, kitchen-cleaning, cupcake baking, daughter.

~ Stephanie. said...
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