There's a difference between being close to someone and being open with them. With the exception of 2 or 3 people, I don't think I'm very good at either one. I attribute this to losing my very best friend - twice - the guy I planned to marry (due to bad communication and impatience on my part), and my sister a few years ago in a car wreck. Add to that the fact that we moved a lot when I was a kid. Between kindergarten and high school, I went to 8 different schools. But I never minded that part. Mom and Dad always made moving an adventure.
New houses, new schools, new friends. What this managed to accomplish, personality-wise, is that I make friends easily. Surface friends. Friendly friends. I'm really good with the "meet and greet" stuff. The "Hi, how are ya?" stuff. The talk-to-the-lady-in-front-of-me-in-the-check-out-lane stuff.
What I'm not so good with is the
"Here's Who I Am" stuff. The "Being Real" stuff. The "Sharing a Few Deeper Paragraphs" stuff. I'm quasi-terrified of being perceived as needy - mostly because it contradicts my whole facade of being independent - but also because I don't ever want to be one of those people who are draining.
Besides, doing the whole "Open Book" thing always makes me cry. ALWAYS. And I HATE to cry. Really I do. (My kids will never believe this, they think I actually enjoy crying over kleenex commercials and sappy love songs and roadkill puppies. I don't.)
Anyway . . . It's not really that I'm afraid people won't love me. I'm a pretty accepting person, so I assume most other people are too. It's that I'm afraid I will love them and then they will leave me. That's the part I've never really learned how to deal with.
On the plus side, God knows all my junk and He's not going anywhere.
I find enormous comfort in that.