10) General response to my own children’s pain and suffering:
“Suck it up, weenie.” If there are no broken bones or blood you aren’t really hurt. (Now, in all fairness to me, I don’t treat anyone else this way, just my kids.)
9) I used to save $12 a month by making Kevin stand in the bathtub in his underwear so I could give him a “my mom cut my hair” haircut. (I'm sure he'll be thrilled I shared that information.)
8) I post embarrassing pictures and blog about embarrassing things my kids do (reference #9). Their humiliation is your entertainment.
7) I used to occasionally send my kids to their room as discipline. “No toys. No music. Just sit on your bed and think about what you’ve done.” Then I would forget about them. Literally. Sometimes a couple of hours would pass and I’d hear this small little “Whoville” voice from the back of the house, “m. . . o. . . m?” Of course, I always played it off as if I’d meant to leave them there. Can’t have my children thinking I’d made a mistake.
6) The words “Me and my friends” will never be uttered from their mouths without some form of chastisement - according to Kevin, I am the Grammar Nazi.
5) My kids are required to make their bed. Every day. I rarely make my bed. Yes, I know. Hypocrite. And up until now you thought I was perfect?
4) When my kids play video/computer games I go behind them and play obsessively until I beat their high scores. Even if it’s a game I don’t like to play. (Ever wonder why my kids are so obnoxiously competitive?)
3) No wire hangers! (Just kidding.) But no play-doh in the house. Ever.
2) When they became “big kids” (around 13), I would try to make them hold my hand when we would go to public places like Wal-Mart. (Which, I might add, they NEVER did.) When they refused to hold my hand, I would sing. Loudly.
. . . and the #1 reason I'm a bad mother:
1) My kids are twitchy. When people move toward them, they flinch like abused puppies ducking a rolled-up newspaper. I’m not sure what this means, but it can’t be good.
4 comments:
The reason I'm twitchy is because Mike beats me.
The reason I'm twitchy is because when you go behind us and play our video games obsessively until you beat our high scores, you play with the controller like it's a virtual reality game. No mom, Mario doesn't move to the right just because you swing the controller that way and hit me in the head with it while I'm innocently watching you and waiting patiently for a turn on my Nintendo.
Also, I recall a certain bathtub incident with me as well. Kevin may have his hair cut stories, but I recall a curling iron being involved in mine...
OH! And along with that whole "suck it up, weenie" thing...you totally used to bite us when we'd hurt ourselves. You said it gave us a worse pain to think about and it made us ignore the original cause of the pain. I'm STILL not sure where you came up with this philosophy, or how in the world you thought doubling our pain ever made it better...
I love you maw.
you know . . . it's one thing when I'm self-deprecating for humor, it's another when your daughter OUT and OUT LIES about you and then expects you to pay for her wedding!!!! What am I going to do with you, daughter? Bite you? I never did such a thing! Burn you with a curling iron? Almost never on purpose! Oh, and for your information, Mario DOES move to the right if you swing the controller to the right if you're playing Wii!!! I was just ahead of my time!
That is hilarious. I love the train of comments - makes me feel like part of the family.
Post a Comment